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Episode 182/2x027

You mean you're not here to beat me up?

Blogger Julia
Date Posted February 15th, 2008
Forum 577|3=lg15}}
Length 4:44
Description We went to meet Rupert VH and I don’t think he’s going to be anything like you expected.
Location(s) Housmans Bookshop
YouTube Tags KateModern LG15 lonelygirl15 Julia
Production Credits
Executive Producer(s) Miles Beckett and Greg Goodfried
Co-Executive Producer(s) Joanna Shields and Amanda Goodfried
Series Producer(s) Pete Gibbons
Line Producer Kelly Brett
Production Co-Ordinator Claire Finbow
Interactive Co-ordinator(s) Jonathan Almond
Production Runner(s) Meryl Iona Edwards
Director(s) Yusuf Pirhasan
Head Writer Luke Hyams
Vidplay Lawrence Tallis
Story Luke Hyams, Neil Mossey, and Lawrence Tallis
Editor(s) Yusuf Pirhasan
Julia Lucinda Rhodes Flaherty
Lee Sam Donovan
Tariq Jai Rajani
Reporter Sophie Morris
Rupert Van Helden Ronan Summers
Adjacent Blogs
Previous "Boobcast"
Next "Sausage Sangas"
Next by Julia "Group Hug"
Directly before "KateModern S2 Week 5 Recap"

Rupert is the one-hundred eighty-second webisode in the KateModern video series. It is also the twenty-seventh video of season two.


(The camera zooms out to show the building where the bookshop is located. It pans around to show the road sign for "Caledonian Road". Cut to a shot of the sidewalk sign for the bookshop. It then cuts to show Julia with Lee behind her.)

Julia: Here I am, outside the bookshop where Lee is going to be interviewing the Hymn of One spokesman Rupert Van Helden.

Lee: Yeah, and Julia's gonna get her kit off.

Julia: (Shoves Lee with her shoulder.) And Lee is gonna beaten up by a girl if he's not careful. Can you believe Justin thought I would go through with that? What a prick!

Lee: What is he doing here?

Julia: And- (Turns to see Tariq approaching.) Tariq! (Turns the camera to show Tariq.)

Tariq: You alright?

Julia: Hey, how are you?

Tariq: Good good.

Julia: So how-how you been?

Tariq: I've been alright.

Julia: And how did the interview go?

Tariq: Um... Well, he said he's got to see another couple of candidates, so, uh, we'll see. But I'm confident.

Julia: So you did well, then?

Tariq: Let's hope so.

Julia: Cool.

Tariq: Thanks for letting me come along, by the way.

Julia: Aww, no worries.

Tariq: (Motions at Lee.) Is he alright?

(The camera pans to show Lee hiding behind a shrub.)

Julia: Lee! What you doing? We can see you, you know.

Lee: Do you mean what am I doing? What are you doing letting that psycho come here? What, you come to batter Rupert Van Helden or have you come to beat me up, Tariq?

Tariq: I've not come here to beat anyone up; I just came here to watch!

Lee: Alright. Alright, you can come in, but don't say anything. You just remember who you're trying to get a job with.

Julia: Oh, come on; just go in, Lee! (Lee heads inside.) Ignore him.

Tariq: How is Lee?

(Cut to Lee walking through the bookstore. Cut to Rupert Van Helden being interviewed.)

Reporter: Sir Rupert, what do you say to the critics of the Hymn of One who accuse you of preying on the weak and the vulnerable?

Rupert: Well, I think it's a very interesting question, um, and it's one that gets asked quite often. Um, and whenever people do ask it, they always seem to use this, um, very interesting word, which is the word "prey". Um, and I think it's very telling, because, um, as a spiritual community, um, I think that it-it's actually a fantastic word to describe what- what we do together with people. I mean, if you're asking me what- me whether we embrace the poor communities and the people who need us, then of course we do. Any- Any application of faith or belief i-, um, in any sort of organization would always try to reach out to those people. Um, we're proud of the fact that we use those people and bring them into our community, and, uh, give them a place to grow.

Reporter: Okay. That's it. Thanks very much.

Rupert: Great. Thanks very much. (Gets up to shake the reporter's hand.) Glad to meet you, bye-bye.

(The reporter leaves and Rupert begins taking off his microphone.)

Rupert: Ah-hah! The, uh, the chaos merchants cometh.

Julia: Hi. Um, uh, we're from, um, JustIncredible.TV and we're here about the SpirituaLee interview?

Rupert: (Laughs.) I, uh, I think we all know that's not really why you're here. Oh, well, you're here to find out whether I, uh, killed your friend. Kate.

Julia: W- No, n- no, we're really, uh, here about the book signing.

Rupert: Right, right. And, uh, what about him? (Points to Tariq.) You, uh, part of the film crew, Tariq?

Tariq: Um... Well... Uh...

Rupert: Look, don't worry. I understand, I really do. And I really am very sorry for your loss.

Tariq: Thanks.

Rupert: Look- Look, I'll b- I'll be honest with you: I'm not just in London for a book signing. I'm aware that someone is trying to implicate the Hymn of One in your friend's murder, and I intend to put pay to those ridiculous rumors.

Tariq: Right.

Rupert: I assure you, I will prove that these accusations are nothing more than the creation of a load of deluded, spiteful fantasists. And in doing so, I hope to help you to find out who really did kill your friend.

Tariq: So there's no truth in the theory that Kate was killed by this bizarre Hymn of One ritual?

Rupert: Oh, please. I've never heard so much crap. Oh, look, I'm sorry, but you can understand my anger at such a scandalous claim. Look, I assure you that I will show these accusations for the lies they are, and you will see that they are nothing more than the product of the vengeful morons that call themselves the FTO. Okay, now: let's get down to business, shall we? So, little buddy, what did you want to ask me?

(The camera pans to Lee looking stunned.)

Lee: Um... (Looks at his notebook.) Um, what's your favorite religious building?

Rupert: Well, it really does depend on what you consider a "religious building". (Rupert walks over to Lee and puts his arm on his back. They walk away toward the main part of the bookshop.) I mean, any place where people go to gather, to- to commune, to talk...

(Rupert gets out of ear range and Julia turns the camera toward Tariq.)

Julia: Wow. Didn't expect that.

Tariq: Tell me about it.

Julia: So what do you reckon?

Tariq: I don't know what to think, but... I think he's weird.

Julia: Oh, I don't; I think he's, you know, just something different. You know, what-

Tariq: Don't tell me you fancy him...

Julia: No, I didn't say that, Tariq!

Tariq: Look, just don't forget why we're here in the first place?

Julia: Yeah, okay, point taken.

Tariq: You know, he wasn't exactly what I was expecting, either.

Julia: No; not at all.


  • Rupert uses the term "chaos merchants", which is used by a similar non-fictional group, Scientology, to label their detractors. [1]